Heart of Ginny

THEY’RE HATCHING!!!!!

We are having fun now. 
On mother’s day, David bought me a couple of lovebirds sitting on eggs (I saw them on Craigslist while looking for a bigger “outdoor” cage for my parrot).  My heart felt drawn to a little animal adventure, missing the exploratory nature of my life on 50 acres in Georgia, and the moment I shared my longing, David said, “Get in the car…. Let’s just go get them.” So we did.
I was excited those first few weeks the lovebirds were on the porch, but after 5 weeks it was clear the eggs were not going to hatch, so I removed them. I assumed when I purchased and moved the mother and her clutch from one house to another, the anxiety and the jostling of a new environment and being shaken while carried in and out of a car was responsible.  I figured, since lovebirds only lay in the spring, I’d just have to wait another year, but only days after I took the eggs away, the mother began laying again. I harbored hope this batch would hatch, at the same time, not putting too much stake in it (so as not to be disappointed.)

But this week, I started checking periodically, hoping I might find something in the nest. And yesterday, before going to the movies – nothing… but we we came home, low an behold, a little bird had just hatched. I was thrilled. I eagerly watched the other 6 eggs, hoping to see little birds spring into the world, but 24 hours went by and nothing. I wondered if perhaps that one little baby was going to be the bulk of my lovebird windfall. I worried that the baby would be lonely – that makes it hard to separate the chick from the mother later.    
Then, suddenly bird number two was there. Yippee…. 

I know enough about birds and how they lay, sit and brood from my Georgia days to understand that the mother had laid an egg a day, and because she was already broody, she began sitting immediately rather than waiting for the clutch to gather (which would assure the eggs all incubated on a similar schedule). So I suspect now an egg a day will hatch. Kinda like the 12 days of Christmas – a gift each day. This means my anticipation of how many eggs survive and thrive will be a long drawn out experience. A very good test of my patience (which I have far less of than I should.)

The pictures make these birds look not unlike a baby chicken or something, but the nesting box is only 8 inches square, and these babies are only the size of a lima bean. They are remarkably small, naked and looking surprisingly “unfinished” when you consider what a self sustaining bird looks like. I am awed by their delicate venerability and how weak and helpless they are (unlike a baby chick that is running around all fluffy 6 hours after hatching.) But today I see these baby lovebirds are starting to fluff a bit already, so I’m guessing that it won’t take long for them to become more independent and strong enough to move around more than what they are doing now, which is simply to shift slowly when I disturb them and mother moves from keeping the warm. (I really have to have some self control and not disturb them very hour…..shame on me for wanting to look ever chance I get.)  
I will let the mother feed them for a month or two, and when they are strongenough, I’ll remove them from the nest and hand feed them so they grow up extremely tame. You can teach lovebirds tricks like any parrot. Of course, I gotta try that! I’ve spent more than a few nights looking at Youtube lovebird videos, marveling at how trainable and entertaining these smallest parrots can be.
Neva and I were talking names last night…. if all seven eggs hatch and survive I could name them after the Chakra’s – only the babies will all be similarly rainbow colored, so that doesn’t really fit or make it possible to tell them apart (the way it would if they each were a different color) and most people would have trouble remembering or even pronouncing the Chakras…… (Muladhara, Svadhisthana, Manipura, Anahata, Visuddha, Ajna, Sahasrara… kinda like talking with marbles in your mouth….) I also don’t intend to keep all these birds, and no one wants to break up a chakra set… might cause bad karma. 
I could name them after the seven dwarfs, and considering how tiny they are, that makes sense. But who wants a lovebird named Grumpy or Sneezy? 
I think I’ll just name them after famous authors…. Neva will enjoy helping with that…. or pick names that represent positive affirmations or something. Maybe I’ll name them Thing 1 & Thing 2. And Thing 3 – 7 as the case may be.

Anyway, I’ll post more pictures as they hatch and grow to share the miracle. All I can say is watching the process of life unfold and witnessing new creatures find their place in the world is the most inspirational and thought provoking thing ever, at least to me – be it a baby horse or llama, little chicks or peacocks, or  (most especially) having gone through the experience of being pregnant and bringing beautiful, unique people into the world 3 times – life is fascinating. I am deeply grateful I’ve had the opportunity to be witness to the process again and again – that Iwas blessed to feel life inside me, and I’ve been an appreciative observer of other births. Life feels more poignant when you pause and honor the beauty in life’s cycle and recognize you are a part of it.

    

The day after my recital, David and I took off to North Carolina to work on his boat – a 42 foot Whitby ’85 sailboat he bought 4 years ago with plans to retire and sail around the world. As is the case for many of us who have had dreams of life going one direction – then being sideswiped by an economic crisis and an unexpected divorce, his world took a sad turn. When the economy fell, so did the value of cruising boats. The boat cost almost as much as our house, so as you can imagine, it has been a burden to sustain, not to mention a painful reminder of a dream gone bust. He has wanted to unload this beast, but he just hasn’t had the time or resources to finish the projects he began when he started to upgrade the boat to ready it for a worldwide cruise, and until the boat was put it back together, he couldn’t list it with a broker. David has the skills to remodel, revamp, rewire, and re-plum the boat, but a much needed job opportunity abruptly moved him to Florida, so he left the project unfinished. With David in Florida and the boat in North Carolina, the boat became a stalemate situation.  Saddest part of this story is, David never got a chance to put the boat on the water. Just as he was ready to launch her, his marriage fell apart and his plan to spend a few years exploring the world and writing about it went by the wayside. Now, he has had to pay for the boat for years, but sans the benefit of enjoying his investment. He has not once experienced the joy of spending a day on the water with wind in the sails. Sad.

The boat was financed under his wife’s name, so technically, David could have dumped this problem on her long ago, or let the bank foreclose (dumping his responsibility as so many people do when the numbers don’t add up to their advantage). He could have revisited his initial agreement to his ex and asked her to take on half of the responsibility since unloading the boat has dragged on years longer than they expected when they parted ways. But David has never reneged on a promise, and he is responsible to his debts and contracts, so he diligently chose to live with the stress and responsibility of this sunken dream despite how it has hindered his efforts to get his own life back on tract. Trust me, it hasn’t been easy for him. Harder still after he met me because once he had a new, future spouse, new dreams immerged, making the weight of old baggage feel much heavier.
  
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I too have been frustrated by my boyfriend being saddled with a boat we can’t use slowing up our opportunity to build a life as a couple. There’ve been plenty of days when I secretly wished he was a bit less honorable and not so willing to carry everyone else’s load  … but the truth is, witnessing his integrity and how he treats others, (especially his ex) as well as seeing how he handles his responsibilities has been a huge factor in why I love him. Plenty of men talk with sudo-sensitivity of the things they intend to do someday, or would do if only they didn’t have to deal with “fill in the blank”. Plenty of men make excuses to validate their self-serving choices, casting blame on others, acting the victim, or using the economy or a divorce as an excuse to bail on responsibilities. But David has handled all of his problems with grace, tackling his problems head on – no excuses, no justifications, just patience, acceptance and a down to earth ego that allows him to admit he has made some mistakes and as result, it is his task to pay for them without resentment. Watching him handle his problems has given me the opportunity to see just what he is made of, so I guess it is fair to say this boat, while a burden on one level, has been a gift too. It has shown me I can trust this man to do the right thing – to me, to others, to creditors and to the world at large. David has incredibly good karma, if you believe in that sort of thing. (He says living right and true is why he’s been rewarded with me… awwww….) 

Anyway, while it is all well and good that the boat has taught us both important lessons about loyalty, responsibility, and good intentions, the damn thing still has to be sold. So, months ago I encouraged him to sacrifice a week of his vacation time to attend to the business of finishing this boat and getting it up for sale. At first, David was resistant- he didn’t want me to feel put out having to give up our scant, valuable free time to tackle more work. He felt we need and deserve a vacation (which we do).  But I assure him the most likely path to having a great deal more free time, as well as the money and time to take a real vacation later I (to Ireland) would be by biting the bullet now and do what has to be done now to clean up the residue of our former lives. He agreed, so I took the week off from my business as well, scheduling my teaching and child care around this high priority project, we put money aside for the trip, and the day after recital, despite our exhaustion from months of working 7 day weeks, we drove 13 hours to Oriental, NC to take on yet one more problem that needed to be solved.
 
I was deeply curious about what this infamous boat would look like…. unsure just how much would be involved with getting it ready to list on yacht world. It was bigger than I expected. Dirtier (because of a recent storm that left every outside nook and cranny filled with black leaves and dirt) and filed with so many tools and parts you couldn’t walk inside. But looking at that huge floating money pit and knowing its history, I was also floored by the reality that not long ago, David bought this big, substantial boat with brave intentions to sail around the world. That speaks volumes about his wanderlust and sense of romantic adventure – about the way he craves any opportunity to live large and design a creative life based on heart-driven goals.

He showed me around and I was impressed with his upgrades. He had already replaced the small stainless sink in the kitchen with a full size ceramic sink, and installed bigger sinks in the two bathrooms. He installed a microwave and repaired interior shelves. He had removed old Formica counters in the kitchen area and now the surfaces were beautifully tiled and butcher blocked. He had replaced cushions and designed creative methods to store things or make areas feel roomier. As David began opening hatches, assessing mechanical issues and organizing tools (grumbling when he found things missing that he had counted on using for the week’s work), I sat on the deck, imagining the sea splashing up against the sides of the boat, imagining the sails flapping in powerful winds, and the roll and sway of a boat on deep ocean water. I imagined David at the helm, employing the skills of navigation, sail craft, and the research involved in planning routes, handling customs, docking, keeping safe on the high sea from pirates or storms, language barriers, and all else that would be involved in a life aboard a sailboat full time. David is a smart guy with diverse skills. But still……as I considered the bravery and competence required to pull off this dream, I was deeply impressed.
    
To put this boat on the market, David had to rewire some of the electrical connections. He had to finish upgrading the plumbing in one of the two heads. He needed to work on the engine, install hardware, refit safety rails, and finish some woodworking, replacing old peg board with beautiful teak wood in cabinets. In other words, David had a great deal of skilled labor chores to attend to. So, my role was to be the grunt worker. I immediately set to my job of cleaning – scraping leaves out of the upper areas of the deck and scrubbing decks and floors inside and out. I cleaned some pretty gross stuff out of storage hatches, attacking mildew and alga.  At one point, David handed me a sander and showed me how to revive the teak and oil the raw surfaces. I was intimidated at first, but quickly took to the task. My feet burned from the hot deck surfaces, I got sunburnt all over, and it got old climbing up and down the ladder to get onto the boat or into the galley to retrieve something he needed from the truck. But every once in a while a cool breeze wafted by. I could see beautiful sailboats docked nearby. All of this inspired me to keep at it.

It was unusually hot in North Carolina that week. With the outside temperature hovering around 96, the boat inside climbed to 112. But we kept at our chores, sweating, dirty, tired, but in a positive mood as we watched the former mess take shape and begin to look like the beautiful yacht it could be. I marveled that David never got short tempered and never complained, even when he was hot, frustrated, and his hands became raw from working with the tools in tight places. We guzzled cold waters from our cooler, and laughed at how our hair stuck to our scalp and our clothing became black with grease or mold or whatever we were exposed to in a given hour. I suppose a full week of hard work in the heat might seem a drag to some people, but I took it as yet another opportunity to see my boyfriend under pressure. As a matter of fact, we worked together so well, that I ended each day feeling excited, thinking that if we can accomplish this much with a boat that in the end, is not for us or about us- just imagine how much we will accomplish when we turn our skills and attention to a project we both love and want!



I felt badly witnessing David’s dream, knowing he came so close to his heart’s desire and had to let it go – more so when the boat started to gleam and take shape. We discussed keeping the boat – moving it to Sarasota so we could take a few trips to the keys or something before he sells it – or perhaps he should never sell it. But the fact is, he doesn’t want this boat anymore. It has bad memories for him. And when we first started dating, I made it clear that I might not be the perfect match for him because I get motion sick easily and while I would love a grand life adventure, I do not believe I could handle long sails, and while I long to travel, I’d never be happy living on a small boat for a year or more. Life has taught me that I am the sort of woman who puts her partner’s dream before her own happiness – to the extent that I will live miserably if I think it is the way to make my lover happy – so early in our relationship I wanted to opening talk about our different ideas of the perfect life- before we ever got to a place where our deepest desires conflicted, perhaps we should discover if we have a different idea of nirvana…. But from the start, David insisted that sailing the world on a sailboat has been a dream, but not the only dream he’s had, and not his highest priority dream in any way. His highest dream priority is building a relationship with a smart, compassionate, talented, fun woman, and to have an authentic and loving marriage that will lasts the rest of his life. In other words, he rather have a woman like me and no sailboat than compromise on a “good but not deeply passionate life love” and a have life of sailing…
So, from day one, how we both feel about this sailboat has been on the table….. 

I should mention here that I do love boating. I’ve always wanted a boat. I love the romance and organic nature of a sailboat too if only I had the stomach for it. I love the water and travel. Actually I made a deal with my former husband that I would only sell our business if he agreed we could invest some of our money in a recreational “toy” – and at the time, I was talking about our getting a boat. He agreed, so I began looking at ads for boats – even dragged him to see a few. I desperately wanted a life that wasn’t all about putting every cent we had into a house and never having adventure or travel or fun. But for reasons I won’t go into here, I couldn’t make that kind of life manifest with him, despite 20 years of trying. Even when we had total freedom and a wealth of resources to design a life that included leisure, play and adventure and despite promises and sincere expressions that he wanted a boat too– I could never get him to say yes to even a used, old pontoon. He just wouldn’t devote any energy, time or resources to anything beyond his obsession to have a picture perfect home that absorbed every resource (and more than we had) leaving us stressed and homebound over and over again.

Because of my marriage history, a part of me wants David to keep his boat desperately. I don’t just crave a diverse life that has some fun built in, but I now HAVE to experience a more balanced, adventurous lifestyle to ever trust my life with a new partner will be all it can be – I don’t trust the endless talk about what we will do later when things are less stressed or money is less tight, no matter how sincere or exciting it sounds. I need to see things happen – not theoretically, but in actuality. David knows, I won’t get married until the things we have discussed and dreamed and aspired to as a couple manifest – or at least part of the way. I’ve lived a lifetime of broken promises and plans that are destroyed unnecessarily. No more, please. I’m a bit gun shy on life commitment as result…

Anyway, David and I both agree that while we definitely both want to get a boat someday, it shouldn’t be this one and our time for investing in a boat isn’t now. Not to mention, David still has a 27 foot sailboat in Sarasota in storage that we are also refurbishing to sell or keep – whatever we choose when the project is finished. (Another story.)
Anyway, we spent a week working for as long and as hard as we could and in the end the boat looks fantastic. It is now listed and getting showings. Hopefully, it will go fast.

David did all he could to make our work trip fun.  We stayed in a charming Victorian Bed and Breakfast (more on that later – because that sparked a very cool idea…).

We took walks on the peer and looked at boats as dusk fell. We ate dinner on a rooftop restaurant, sipping margaritas under the stars. We even took an afternoon break one day to escape the heat and restore our energy and drove to a nearby family restaurant to down a pitcher of Sangria, sharing stories of our past with boats and the peculiar challenges of life in a small town, and how frustrating it is to get so close to your ultimate dream and have it disintegrate unnecessarily….. While our life experiences have been very different, the themes have been very much the same.
We talked about bed and breakfasts we’ve stayed in before – David has been in many more than I – and what we love about a novel travel experience.

And as we talked, we hatched an idea for a dream of our own … opening a bed and breakfast called the Zen House – on 5 to 10 acres – a yoga-esque place that would be a companion business to ReFlex offering retreats and a novel lodging experience (while also allowing us to live a higher lifestyle and build capitol for our future retirement…) It would include freestanding outbuildings for lodging, Zen gardens, and a star observation tower and other things we are qualified to build and organize. As this new idea formulated–  we started doing research on the internet, taking notes and discussing practical aspects and financing and how to make a dream a reality….. We researched code restrictions, Sarasota County incentive plans, bed and breakfast organizations. WE listed our skills and what makes us uniquely qualified to run such a business successfully. We bought books on Amazon to read about opening a bed and breakfast – all of this right from the car while we took turns driving. Ever since we’ve been home, we’ve continued the research, viewing property – seeing a few places with a realtor (one we were crazy for – it was perfect but a bit pricey) and we’ve considering what we can do in my current business and at his work to prepare for the possibilities of future financing, managing the work, scheduling our days to fit more in… etc…….. I’ve started writing a comprehensive business plan….
 
Who knows how far we will take it. Perhaps we will really follow through and open a new business together, creating a life filled with the things we love (Zen gardening, cooking, yoga retreats, writing, nature and organic gardening, living on a big piece of land where David can have a workshop and I can raise some veggies and chickens too) Perhaps this is the path to supporting a richer, more diverse lifestyle that combines business and pleasure, country and city. We can build a home based business while I keep Reflex and David keeps his job, and in future years we will have it up and going to transition to semi-retirement when we will garden, cook and write. Or, our research and crunching numbers will reveal that a bed and breakfast, while romantic in theory, is not the best direction for us to go. But it has been fun allowing our imagination to soar and exploring all the possibilities and potential. It has been fun seeing how efficiently we work as a couple – how our shared practical nature and combined artistic sense make us idea driven, yet we have the wherewithal and work ethic to make ideas a reality too.
 
All I know is, as one door closes another opens…..
I love that about life. 
 
 

It’s that time of year. Work gets crazy. I’m filed with inspiration for new programs and/or ideas  for evolving my current program, but implementing them by next season demands I organize & promote now. I’m making important decisions about next year’s dance schedule, planning a year in advance for my yoga trainings, and considering summer programs too.  I’m trying to get a new corporate program off the ground, and an outreach program to put yoga classes in the schools.  At the same time, I’m producing a recital, evaluating my current students, and finishing up the labor intensive project of closing this season to begin anew.

I’m not complaining. I love my work – I love the creativity involved and the diversity of projects and tasks. I love the people and the promise I feel in this diversified school where I get to interact with children and adult students, yoga and dance. I enjoy the offshoot projects too…. I love all the new things I’m learning. I just wish there were more hours in the day, because I have more inspiration and ideas than I have time to manifest.
I get up every morning at 5:00 or sooner to begin my day. I’m excited by many of the things I’m doing and, considering how hard it was to face my personal demons to reenter this business and the two years of humbling frustration that ensued, I’m deeply proud and appreciative of how my professional life is unfolding at last. It’s been a long, painful two years,  so to say I’m looking forward to a short break after the recital and before diving into my summer yoga training is an understatement.  I could give you a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t take a week off – everything from not being able to afford it, to the opportunity costs of stopping the momementum at this pivotal time…. but I have always believed the key to happiness is balancing work and a rich private life. I never felt able to pace my world to live true to this belief before because I was pressed by influences beyond my control.  Now, for the first time ever, I can tune in to my instincts and personal beliefs and act accordingly. I can work hard without having to appoligise for it, rest hard because I’ve earned it, and feel good about both.
    Yesterday, I woke with the sun and worked on defining a detailed syllabus for yoga training. I knew I had to teach from 3:00 till 9:00, so at noon, I decided to put work aside and take an afternoon break. I asked Neva what she’d like to do and she said, “I want to get some sun.”
So I purchased us both subs and we took them to the beach. We picked up slurpies (her favorite) and had lunch sitting on a yoga blanket in the sand. After taking a half hour nap and marveling at the brilliant rainbow glow around the sun (part of an eclipse thing going on) we took an hour long walk  (part of our new health kick) discussing bathing suits and body types, school, boys, my yoga course and plans for dance next year, and a host of other average girl conversational subjects. It was a simple afternoon, easy and sweet, like a mini vacation. And I felt revived and ready to face more engaging work when I got home. 
Driving home, Neva complained about the freckles that emerge when she is in the sun, but admitted she loved the afternoon, so we  vowed to go to the beach at least two times a week. I know we may not follow through to that extent, but I’m guessing we will put in more beach time than I ever bothered to enjoy when I lived here last. I have come to truly appreciate the beauty living in a place like Sarasota offers.   
Working hard doesn’t have to be a drag, or a sacrifice, or something to resent…. and David is a huge help and supporter. Never complaining or acting put out by my being busy or needing a hand, he contributes with a smile, enthusiastic and filled with creativity. I guess since his worklife is more academic and corporate, he has a great appreciation for the artistry and freedom that comes with running a business that rolls yoga and dance into one blend of entertainment and education, health and personal expression.
On Monday I told him I really needed a T-shirt design for recital shirts for the finale and I wondered if he might work on Correll draw to help me with an idea. He asked me what I wanted and I told him that since we have a nature theme, I would love some kind of tree of life. 
“Wish it could be made of dancers…. ” I said in passing.
That evening I came home from work at 9, somewhat spent from endless rehearsals, and a bit cranky because I was tired beyond measure. He had dinner on the table, an incredible vegetarian stir fry (that Neva claims is the best thing she’s ever had, adding “Sorry Mom, but David is such a better cook than you. He’s the best I’ve ever known.” (I didn’t take offense because I agree.)  And on the floor in the living room were a dozen variations of T-shirt designs for me to consider. I have no idea how the man finds the time to do so much (and do it all so well) but I was thrilled, relieved and deeply grateful. 
We picked a design and discussed some alterations over dinner (there I was, scribbling on his nice copies – but thankfully, he did not take offense) and this is what we came up with.

 

 I said, “We could always say “The root of dance in Sarasota” at the bottom too, since that is rather true if you consider that almost everyone teaching in the area is a former student of FLEX. But I was kidding. I’m delighed with the students I have and I have no interest or concern with what other schools and people are doing in the area. I feel rather content with the integrity of my new program as it unfolds. No reason or need to lay claim to being the origin of others in this field, and frankly, I rather not have people make connections because, as time goes on, it will become ever more obvious how different this school is from the others. But the root comment did lead to some possible quotes to laugh about (in a very non-yogic way…I confess.) and that made dinner pass with smiles.

But dance is only one element of my world now – my true dharma, but one that leaves room for other connected interests. A few months ago, I decided to offer a summer yoga teacher’s training just to see if anyone might be interested. Summer is a quiet time at the studio, and a training program would be a great help in keeping things productive.  I doubted it would go, and yet, the fact that certification would be offered in an immersion format, completed in only 7 weeks, and the fact that I priced it lower than any other RYT training around, resulted in the biggest enrollment I’ve had yet. I’m shocked and delighted and fully charged. Each time I offer a training (this is my third session) I get more organized, defined and the program gets better. I’ve spent a month planning and reorganizing the material to provide a more suscinct and poignant unfolding of yoga. I can’t wait to begin, because I feel so prepared and excited by the new offerings and angles…

Yesterday, my office manager told me to stop telling people about my upcoming aerial training in July because so many people have enrolled that she’s closing the course.  I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll add another…” 
Sh
e laughed and said “When? From midnight to 8Am? Our schedule is full!”
She’s right of course. But wow, it is nice to see those programs, all of which began as a weak, limping obgligation, are now picking up steam, gaining a good reputation and supporting the school. 
So, I am working harder than ever, and some days I don’t know if I’m coming or going. But I’m deeply proud of the way my hard work and ongoing training is finally coming together to support my desire to live a creative life. Sure, I would have liked to stay retired, and still be living on 50 acres with the time and the opportunity to write seriously. That was my dream come true, one I’d been aspiring to all my life, and I left my business believing I’d finally earned the opportunity to pusue that dream and see what I could do with my fondest artistic desires…. but circumstances made that dream fizzle before it planted a single root. 
Owning a business in the arts isn’t easy, and it can be a financial nightmare, but I recognize and honor the personal growth that comes with problem solving so I know that returning to the world of dance and runing a small business is, in many ways, a very, very good thing. My current circumstances may not have been my first choice as a lifestyle, but it is a good choice given my options, and I recognize the gifts that lie in my challanges.
Meanwhile, yoga has taught me about balance and how to take mental breaks – to meditate and breathe and note my blessings, so every day feels poignant and filled with an abundance of opportunity to feel grateful. 
The fact is, I have allot on my plate.. yet I can still go to the beach for lunch. Or blog ….. There is always time for living if you make living expansively a priority and don’t put the “good stuff” on hold… The harder you work, the more “living” (your time off to pursue you personal hopes, pleasures and down time) feels vibrant and meaningful. The juxtaposition of the two make the contrast all that more dramatic.

Speaking of which… Hey – I’m late for work. I have a yoga class to teach this morning in 15 minutes! Ha. Leave it to me to be blogging about work so much I miss a class…….
Well, I said I am in balance, not that I am organized! Namaste, ya’all.

   
    A few mornings ago, I had my coffee on the roof of my house. The morning began as usual, with David handing me coffee on the porch and our enjoying the peaceful privacy of our jungle-like backyard before facing the day. We were discussing the progress we’ve made in planting, weeding and restructuring the front yard, and now, looking at the wild, overgrown back yard (which we haven’t had the time or resources to attend to, and won’t for a while) we started discussing options for what we will do someday. We both agreed that the best thing was probably going to be to clear out the mass of bromeliads and overgrown plants (since they obviously will never bloom and are way out of proportion) and start from scratch. We threw out ideas for stone patios verses more rustic mulched pathways filled with patches of Irish moss (his favorite), and whether we could and should create sculpted tiers, remove the awkward “extra” tree that cuts out the sun to make room for a covered arbor, and what we might want to plant in the shade under our favored, huge tree even now, just to make the back yard somewhat presentable until we can do a major overhaul.
   And all of a sudden, David turned to me and said, “Let’s go have coffee on the roof so we can get a better view of things.” 
   I thought he was kidding until he added, “I’ve got the ladder all set up. Put on some shoes and let’s go.”
    Far be it from me to say no to an adventure. I put on my shoes while he refilled our coffee cups and followed him outside. He zipped up the ladder with one hand balancing his coffee as if it was nothing and gestured for me to follow him.
   I took a step or two up the ladder, but wobbled and paused. Before I could voice my nervous-nelly concerns, he came down, took my coffee and led the way, now holding two cups, and thus climbing the ladder with no hands for support at all. I slowly followed, shaky and wimpy. I put my knees on the gravely surface of the roof and crawled forward as he walked upright, reaching his free hand out to support me to give me confidence. (He maneuvered with such ease and comfort you’d think he was a goat in his previous life. That or having size 13 feet and a history of flying is key to ultimate comfort high up in the air.)  He took a few pictures with his phone and gestured grandly, no worries about balance.  
    I said, “Be careful. People fall off of roofs, ya know and the gravely feel of these singles makes me think a person could easy to slip.”
     He chuckled. “Please. This roof is only 5 and 11. Not steep.”
     “How do you know this roof is 5 and 11. It might be 6 and 12… what do the numbers mean anyway…..”
     He explained how the numbers define the slant when roofs are measured then said, “I’ve been on plenty of roofs. So many that I can tell pitch of any roof by looking at it, but even if I couldn’t, I did the building inspection for this house and measured this roof when I checked everything else. So I know this roof is average, 5 and 11, and a very safe, sturdy roof. Remember, I’ve been up here to clean gutters, sweep leaves and to check out our tree more than once. I couldn’t fall off a roof this flat even if it was windy and wet and and today is beautiful.”
     Since it was obvious his lecture wasn’t enough to get me to stand upright, he came and sat next to me. We sat a few minutes in silence admiring the blue sky, the gentle breeze and the way the sun glinted through the branches of our massive, beloved oak, and he gave me my daily nature lesson.
    David is forever teaching me about plants and gardening. He is not only deeply intellectual with a bottomless reserve of information about how the world works, but he is a master gardener, having received his certification while living in North Carolina. (Becoming a master gardener involves 6 months of 16 hours a week of classroom training as well as home reading and study, and a year of public service. David designed and implemented a public garden for handicapped individuals – wheelchair assessable – and then worked as a free consultant helping people & businesses maintain successful gardens.)
   To say David knows more about gardening than I is the understatement of the century. Nevertheless, David continually holds back from taking over the planning and planting in our yard, inviting me to take pleasure in the artistic process and encouraging me to learn as I go – even though this means a less perfect result than we’d have if he took over the landscaping project himself (and let me remind you that he dearly loves gardening, so I am humbled by his sacrifice in forfeiting the pleasures of outdoor artistry to share the process with me).
   Anyway, I am endlessly amazed at his lack of ego or effort to control our home, money, ME, work, family situations, our garden, and life in general…. He is active and involved, doing his part and beyond, but he doesn’t need credit or attention, and he has no need to be controlling and it would never occur to him to cut me out of decisions or input….  Yet at the same time, he is not without opinion or advice or a sincere interest (and appreciation) in how our landscaping evolves. He is readily available with answers if I have questions, is there to do any of the work I may not want to do myself, and he is never, ever critical of my experiments or choices, however amateur they may be. He has taught me about plants and soil and pruning and more and I’ve discovered gardening is such a pleasure this way, when you share the work and the joy.
  The first time I went out and planted a dozen plants without waiting for his advice (he was at work) he came home and simply said, “You planted the avocado tree you gave me for valentine’s day? I don’t suppose you thought to prune the root ball … the preparation is really important for a tree that size to be healthy and get established for long term stability and production… and that particular plant was rather special to me…..”
    I was like, “Um… you want to know if I pruned the root ball? I would have if I knew what a root ball was. I guess I shouldn’t have planted your tree. I just dug a hold and stuck it in the ground. I thought I was saving you the trouble, and trust me, digging a hold that big wasn’t easy. I’m sorry…..are you annoyed?”
    He smiled and said, “How can I get annoyed at you for being outside in the hot sun, working hard on our yard. I know how much you’ve missed your land in Georgia and you are trying to do some of the grunt work around here so I don’t have to . . . But, well…. next time, perhaps you’ll wait for me to do the big plants just to be sure they’ll take…. Especially when they are a gift …..”
   I got the respectful message he was trying to share loud and clear. Hands off David’s special plants….because he is too giving and supportive to ever voice objection, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t disappointed when I cross certain boundaries…
    Anyway, there we were on the roof. David carefully pointed out four different types of clinging vines weaving through the heavy branches of the tree, explaining their origins and unique qualities. He guessed the age of the vines and how prehistoric they looked and talked about perserving them when we got around to building our future tree house
. He discussed how we might want to design levels for the base of the structure or keep it one room, and  showed me places where the big limbs of the tree branch apart and create stress joints.
    He ointed out a redheaded woodpecker in the distance and a lizard up on a limb 20 feet above the ground. We discussed views and hopes for the long term for our home and life. We moved on to talk about his work and my studio and the boat he is trying to sell and whether or not I should throw out our lovebird’s eggs since they don’t seem as if they are going to hatch.
   We sat long after our coffee cups were empty. Our hearts and minds were full… full of ideas and lofty plans and inspiration and problem solving in regards to how and when we might act on all the things we discussed, because every good idea needs a bit of muscle, discipline and commitment to make a reality ….. talk is inspirational and fun, but we both know talk and action are two very different things…
      Anyway, now hungry for breakfast, we climbed off the roof. David gracefully zipped down the ladder with ease; I moseyed along awkwardly after him, like a manatee swimming in Jell-O. And as I touched my toes back to the back porch, I thought, it is nice to have my feet firmly planted on the ground again…
     And that, my friend, had nothing to do with the fact that I had coffee up on the roof….

Today, when I opened my e-mail, I got a notification that someone named David had sent me a gift from Groupon. David bought me a gift? How exciting! I too have bought us a few things on Groupon when an irresistible deal came along that offered entertainment for a song; a day of bowling, putt put golf, a weekend at a bed and breakfast, a full day’s boat rental. Recently, I even got us 30 bales of pine straw mulch for the yard. I opened the e-mail to see what he had bought, expecting a dinner out at a nice restaurant perhaps, or a day of paddle boarding. The message said:
 
Voucher for One-Year Gun Range Membership and One Day of Range Time with Safety Gear, Two Targets, One Box of Ammo, and Gun Rental from Take Aim Gun Range.

You know your boyfriend trusts you and is planning to treat you well if he is willing to put a gun in your hands with ammo and a year of training to assure you’ll be a good aim!

I found this gift more than a little funny. David is the most compassionate and graceful man I’ve ever met. He is environmentally conscientious, deeply considerate, a humanitarian, a stalwart liberal, and a true yogi. He lives by the teachings of the yoga sutras with Ahimsa (do no harm) at the core of his every choice and action. I simply can’t imagine this man with a gun in his hand any more than I can imagine him torturing small animals. He’s the kind of man who will get up without pausing in the conversation to swiftly grab a wayward bug on the porch and put the creature outside the door rather than step on it. Let me mention that he has also read (and line edited) my book, which includes a full chapter on my feelings and attitudes about guns, (and for the record, I’m rather vehemently opposed to them).

Yet knowing all this, David’s idea of a fun date for us is heading off to the shooting range to plow a few rounds into a target? Hummm…… 

I said, “Thanks for the gun membership, Honey. Um….. what possessed you to purchase such a thing? Do we have plans I don’t yet know about to take out an annoying neighbor? You thinking we might want to prepare for a Bonnie and Clyde impersonation so we can knock off a bank and retire sooner rather than later? Then there’s the fact that I’ve been pretty mad at my ex lately… do you really think it’s wise to put a gun in my hand, all things considered? ”

“I thought you’d enjoy shooting a gun as a new experience. I wasn’t looking at it as a political or humanistic statement, but more as an interesting chance to learn something new –you and I both love learning new things – so when I saw the groupon and the great deal offered, I thought, “Why not?”  Guns are really nothing more than another technology thing. Like all technology, they’re only dangerous if put in the wrong hands.”

He also reminded me that one of the primary customers he designs computer program marketing for happens to be the biggest firearm distributor around, and it wouldn’t hurt for him to understand the company’s product experientially rather than academically. He said that almost everyone around his office has gone to the shooting range and they all say it is a remarkable experience.
 
He added, “There’s also the fact that knowing how to shoot a gun, experiencing the power and sound and noting your emotional response, will no doubt give you something compelling to write about.  Last but not least, learning to handle a firearm is an important skill. The fact is, if we are ever going out on an overnight trip on a boat or if we ever choose to live somewhere remote, we will want to have a gun just in case. Knowing how to use one properly is important for your safety.  But mostly, I was just thinking it would be fun and different.”

Well, fun and different is certainly important…. and the fact that I’m with someone who worries about and constantly considers my health and safety always touches me deeply. 

So this summer, in addition to taking a drawing class and learning to play guitar, I’m gonna be a yogi packin’. Leave it to David to take something that could be aggressive,  invasive, or politically questionable, and turn it into yet another opportunity to reinforcing my feelings that, with him, I’ll always be loved, cherished and protected.

Thanks to David’s sense of adventure, summer will be a blast…. if I don’t shoot myself in the foot.
 

    
New Brighter color….
   
The color Mother Nature (who is supposed to know best) likes…..


  Everyone wants me to be a redhead. My staff, my friends, my fiancé, my daughter, my mother (most of all) – everyone.

    Everyone except Mother Nature, that is, because she’s decided it’s time for the old girl to fade into the land of blond-ish red. Despite my best intentions and sincere efforts to keep my hair color true to its former (younger) red splendor, the sun and my older textured hair just won’t get with the program. I can color my hair any shade of red I want, but within a few days, its back to the natural strawberry blonde shade as if my pillow is made of bleach. When I garden or do anything outdoors, I instantly lean to blonde. Meanwhile, people are convinced I’m lightening up on purpose, going for some funky platinum, streaked look. 
  
   They all say, “The strawberry color is beautiful, but really, I miss the red. The brighter color suits you best.”

    I will never understand how a color from a bottle “suits me” better than the natural evolution of my hair as age settles in. Ah well. I guess when you are an authentic redhead all your life, people associate the color to your personality and anything quieter seems a bit off base.

    I’ve been spending time outdoors with gardening, our retreat and such, so my hair has gotten very light lately. And everyone has mentioned it. They drop subtle (or not so subtle) hints that I’m blonder than I should be. Frankly, I like my hair red too, but I’m all for letting my hair do what it wants naturally. I rather not get too wrapped up in fighting the natural process of ageing – to me there is nothing more unbecoming than a woman in her 50’s acting like she’s some  20 something wannabe, wearing jeans and clogs and trying to be sophisticated-cool in her speech and manner. I rather celebrate my age with class (not to be confused with becoming dowdy or lacking style…) Let me work with nature and grow older with my own attractive style, rather than be in desperate self-denial where, because I’m not fat and I throw on a 70’s jeans jacket, I believe my 50 looks like 35 to everyone else. (People that believe they look much younger than they are always seem naïve to me. People tell me that I look 40, or that I haven’t changed at all since they saw me ten years ago, all the time, but I don’t buy it. Our skin, our eyes, and our wisdom reveal our maturity, no matter what we wear or how we manage to exercise, tuck, or dye parts of us to keep the status quo on the surface.)

    I’d say at least 50% of the people I know my age all believe they look younger than everyone else their age – but what I believe is happening is we all look younger than our parents looked at this age. Our generation is so hung up on youth we ACT younger and live less conservative lifestyles, and this convinces us that our 50 is like 35. Ha. We might look well-preserved and great for our age, and we may cling to a bit of immaturity so our world doesn’t don’t resemble our conservative parents, but still, we all look our age –we just look 50 for what a 50 year old in 2012 looks like…

Despite that speech, I also realize that if so many people mention that I should be red, there might be something to it and perhaps, I should listen – at least a bit.

Yesterday I decided to listen.

    Albertsons, the grocery store closest to my home, is going out of business. Everything in the store is 50% off. David keeps stopping by on the way home from work to get things he finds at bargain prices that he thinks we can’t live without – real necessities, like a dozen cans of clams or 600 wooden skewers for shishkabobs – we now have enough skewers to last the rest of our lives – and boy am I relived I’ll never have to worry about sishkabob deficiency.

   Yesterday, he told me he picked me up some hair color too.

    I said, “YOU picked up hair color for ME? How do you know what kind or color to get?”

    He said, “I’ve seen the box after you’ve colored your hair, so of course I know what brand and color you use. That stuff can add up and since all the hair products are on clearance, I figured you might want to stock up. I got you the color you use, and also the color you’re supposed to be.”

    “What do you mean the color I’m supposed to be? Do you mean the color you want me to be? ”

    I have never heard David say an offensive thing to or about anyone – he is a model of class and respect for others, so he was quick to back pedal and assure me that he loves me as I am and always will – blonde, red, gray, or bald…. He was only trying to help out by picking up hair color for me. (Of course, I knew that. I was only teasing him.)

    He shrugged innocently. “Remember, I see you where the sun don’t shine, so I know the true color of your hair, or at least the color God designed for you, so I thought it would be natural to go back to that color. It’s your authentic state, so why not…..”

  Hummm…….

    Now, I know from experience that if I go with any of the copper or bright red dyes, my very porous hair will come out looking like I took a magic marker to it. It will be bright. Really bright. But only for a day or two, because then it will turn back to strawberry blond, like it or not. So it is not like I’m taking some risk of ruining my hair if I color it bright red on a whim. I keep telling my mother, my staff and others that for all I know they want me red, give it up. It’s a losing battle. But today I thought what the heck…. I marched into the bathroom with David’s L’Oreal copper red hair color and did the deed just to make everyone happy. I figure I’ll be the redhead they all know and love for a few days, and when my hair returns to its equilibrium color, I can show them all that my being blond-ish isn’t because I’m not responsive to their preferences.

    As expected, my hair came out bright with some areas flashing copper and others seeming more auburn.

    When I picked Neva up from school, she lifted her eyebrows and said, “Wow, Mom. You’re red. It’s crazy sexy looking. It doesn’t seem right….. Moms are not supposed to be sexy…..”

     “Never fear, I’ll be back to strawberry blonde in about three days.”

     “It’s streaky. Wildly red in some areas, more normal in others. What is that all about?”

    “That is how my hair responds to really bright red dye. I can put the product on equally, but drier areas suck the color in and other areas, where the gray is starting to show, are resistant. Takes a day or two for the color to settle. By next week, I’ll be back to my all over blond-ish red.”

      “David is gonna love it. You look dramatic and younger and … actually, I really like it…. In fact, you should keep it that way,”

    Of course she feels that way. She’s used to kids at her school with purple hair or tuti fruity stripes. “Couldn’t even if I wanted to…”

    “People are going to be surprised when they see it at the studio today… You are really RED! Like a movie star. “

    “You don’t think I’m going to work like this. I’m putting it up.”
     She laughed. “Yea, I don’t blame you.”

     I sent David a picture. Of course, he responded favorably. One of the loveliest things about him is that he is genuinely happy when I make even the smallest gesture to please him. He appreciates appreciation, if that makes any sense. And I swear, all men share a fantasy about lusty, passionate redheads… they say blondes have more fun, but it’s the redheads that get the male second-take looks. And just to prove it – I’ll add a picture that was sent to me by an artist I dated before meeting David. This was his perception of how I look (or the way he liked to imagine me….)
 after he color corrected a picture he took from my facebook page.
 
Really. 

    Anyway, the hair color incident isn’t at all about me trying to please others, or proving a point, or trying to look exotic or fighting Mother Nature. 

     I just keep imagining David in the hair product aisle, picking up different boxes of color and contemplating which ones he thinks I’ll appreciate and use, then spending his own money on the product to help me stretch my very tight budget. I imagine what went through his mind as he pictured me with each color, and his thoughts as he left the product on my sink, the chance he took that, instead of appreciating his gesture, I might have twisted the meaning into his wanting me to change, rather than proof he is a man who constantly takes giving and consideration to a whole new level.  

My hair will fade overnight, but my awareness and the marvel of David’s genuine and endless acts of caring are permanent……..

     

I received a very special gift from David on mother’s day, two colorful lovebirds that are sitting on 5 eggs. The babies are due to hatch in about 10 days. I can’t wait! It’s been a long time since I’ve had what I will call “exploratory fun with nature”. Oh, how I miss the simple joy of interacting with nature as it unfolds under my observation and care. My time in Georgia had plenty of sadness on the personal level, but at my barn, as I raised a baby horse, a baby llama, hatched peacocks and ducks by hand, learned about chickens and goats, cared for my donkey, and tried training horses etc…… I was touched in ways that changed me forever. My anticipation of hand feeding baby lovebirds brushes against that authentic place inside that  makes me feel deeply alive and connected to the world.
     Every day I come face to face with evidence that a person doesn’t have to be retired or living on 50 acres to have a rich, natural life.  I feel such a sense of promise as I realize I can feel the amazing sense of contribution I get from building a business at what I love, can provide an quality life for my daughter (and myself) in a place that offers art, opportunity and diversity AND my life also can include animals and gardening and hiking and kayaking and the sea and open country, and cooking and writing… David can build things and follow his interests and at the same time, he continues to work and plan for our future. We are busy and overworked and worried about money, but still, each day we ease closer to the life I’ve always known was possible if a person just recognized and appreciated the vast opportunity available in a diverse place like Sarasota. The point is, as my life takes shape again, I couldn’t be happier to see just how expansive and fulfilling can, and will, be.

I suppose an explanation of how we came to find brooding birds should be shared.

I currently have a beloved Hahns Macaw pet. He is the smallest breed of Macaw parrot, and the brightest. A tad bigger than a conure, these birds are not loud or obnoxious and they are easily trained and gentle by nature, so they are sought after as pets. I began looking for a bird to adopt from bird rescue months before taking the plunge. I often browsed the internet just for the entertainment of it – dreaming –  wanting a new pet – but I knew I should hold off until I got out of my small apartment and could afford to care for the bird properly. For fun, I perused craigslist to view the tons of amazing deals there for rehoming birds. Parrots live anywhere from 30-99 years so, of course many people find themselves in situations where they their lifestyle no longer is conducive to a bird. Because they are attached to their pet, they sell the bird for enough money to assure only a responsible, established person can afford to take them on. Still, they let the birds go for much less than a pet store would charge. After months of looking (when I knew I was finally moving to a house) I started shopping in earnest. I was leaning towards an African Grey and was negotiating to buy one when I saw the ad for the Hahns Macaw. I liked the idea of a smaller, smarter bird, and unlike regular Macaws, Cockatoo’s or Amazon parrots, finding a Hahns Macaw on Craig’s list was rare. So, I drove to Tampa to get my bird. He only cost me fewer than 200, when normally these breeds are between 600-700 dollars – a great deal.  (And there is a poignant story behind how and why I bought a bird at all, but I will save that for another time.) 

Anyway, I named the bird Whynot, and I adore him.
 
The thing is, I work often and I worry that some days he is lonely, so when I have free time, I browse Craig’s list just to see what is out there thinking that someday, when the right bird is available, I might just take the plunge again and get him a companion.  I’ve been looking at sun conures since that breed is close in size to my mini, knowing it is unlikely I’ll find another Hahns macaw. Since it is fun to window-shop, I started looking at lovebirds too, and low and behold, the other day I see that a man right near me is selling two fisher lovebirds with their cage and five eggs they are sitting on – all for  only 75.00! Of course, it is the eggs that pulled at my heart strings.

Naturally, I was curious about how people go about raising lovebirds, so I watched some YouTube videos of lovebird hatchings and saw how to train, feed and care for lovebirds. I read about raising and breeding lovebirds to see how much sleep a person would lose if a mother bird didn’t do her job, and I wondered if a person did or did not have to hand feed them. Once I had enough information to understand what breeding lovebirds involved, (they take care of themselves if you choose not to get involved – kinda like chickens) I started thinking how much I would love a new project like that.

I mentioned how interesting it all seemed and how the idea of raising baby birds again awakened this primal feeling of happiness that I lost when I left my dreams behind in Georgia, and David  instantly said, “Let me buy them for you as a mother’s day present. It will be fun.”

He had already taken Neva and I out to lunch. He cleaned my car (twice thanks to a trip we made to visit his Mom and the lovebugs that were in our path). He bought me a beautiful card and we were all going to a movie later that night for Mother’s day, so he certainly didn’t need to do anything else to make the day wonderful. But, unable to resist the offer , I made the call. Ten minutes later, we were at the seller’s very interesting home to pick up the birds. The seller looked to be in his 50’s, and seemed extremely nice. He is in a band and he had about 16 guitars, (some vintage, collector’s items, and some state of the art, common guitars) hanging all over his walls. His home was eclectic and artistic with a big Tikki bar on the porch designed with bird perches and a beer keg running right through the wall of his home to an indoor fridge. I could see David’s mind spinning as he ran his hands along the lacquered top and checked out how the inviting bar was made, viewing the roof and supports and reengineering it in his mind. (We have some big aspirations for our home and often discuss the many directions we want to go to make our outdoor living space more inviting and conducive to entertaining….)

 The man had a big amazon parrot in one corner, the lovebirds were in another. He explained that he gotten the lovebirds two years earlier on Father’s day (so passing them to a mother on mother’s day seemed perfect).  They are called Leila and Paco. Since the beginning, he let his birds roam free. Recently, they were missing, and he found them under a shelf on a bookcase nearby sitting on a nest they had built. The female had laid 5 eggs and was brooding.The guy said he would love seeing babies hatch, but he was not up for the responsibility, so he put them on craigslist that day because he thought it best to let them go to someone who would be into the project. He was thrilled to hear my history with raising birds, even though I admitted I had zero parrot experience so he probably shouldn’t be so quick to trust me with this responsibility. We talked a while about what might happen if we moved the eggs, but finding them a new home seemed in the best interest of both the birds and the humans involved, so we loaded the nest into a shoebox that we hoped would assimilate her current breeding space and loaded the birds into my car.

The man not only gave us the birds and cage, but threw in a bird stand for the porch – something David was just getting ready to build for Whynot this week (and still might since his version will no doubt be more involved).Within ten minutes we were home and the new birds were fully set up on the porch. It couldn’t have been easier.

Sure enough, the mother and father both were curious about their new situation, so they came out of the nest to explore. I waited with bated breath, hoping they would return to their job of caring for the eggs. I’d feel horrible if, by moving them, 5 potential baby lovebirds didn’t make it. Neva wanted me to force the mother to stay in the nest, but I assured her that instinct would kick in (of course, I wasn’t sure, just praying…)

About ten minutes later, the mom went into her shoebox for the night. Bingo! We went to the movie, confident that all was in order, and when we returned, both the mom and dad bird were in the nest, caring for the eggs.    

Now, I have a few weeks to learn about lovebirds. I plan to let the mom & dad feed the babies for three weeks until the young birds feather and are substantial enough to be handled easily, and then I will take over the hand feeding for the next three weeks to be sure the birds are very people friendly and trainable. I look forward to getting Neva involved too. The longer she is here, the more her interest in nature and the environment is rekindled. She often visits my garden now. She has taken a serious interest in photographing wildlife, and she has even asked me if I’m up for a new bunny. (Umm…..not at this time.) Together, we are reclaiming the joys and connections that we shared during our wonderful years in Georgia together. There are a million reasons why this means the world to me – primarily because I see my daughter growing up with expansive interests and an awareness in ecology and the environment once again. She is becoming a woman of substance who is interesting and aware and curious about the world, and I couldn’t be prouder. 

So, here we go… we are wading into the shallow waters of a new animal adventure… I’m going to raise lovebirds. David and Neva are on board. Fun! 

Meanwhile, it is going to rain today. Hard. I went out and harvested some veggies from my garden this morning and deadheaded my flowers so the rain can nurture the best of the plant. Growth is everywhere….. in the garden and beyond. (But from this picture, obviously, not in the grass…. um… that is another project on the “to do” list…..). But today is for making soup, sitting on the porch with coffee to watch the new birds peek out of their nest, and to enjoy the rain while I do some business planning on a yellow pad. Nice to have some quiet time at home before going in to teach later…. 
Life is all about balance…..
  

(If reading about my business interests doesn’t appeal to you, consider skipping to the end to enjoy the fun pictures of last week’s retreat!)

 The most wonderful element of my work is that my business feels like a living, ever-expanding, creative entity.  New doors are constantly being opened as I heed inspiration and explore new ideas for growth in an effort to diversify and become solvent as a new, struggling enterprize. I keep reminding myself that my most successful endeavors began as nothing more than the seed of an idea, that tended with a bit of research, muscle and focused effort, flowered into a fascinating limb of my overall work life. In my former business, the preschool, the newsletter of Creative Dance Concepts, Kiddance teacher’s training & the syllabus , aftercare programs, buses, Children’s Dance Center, etc… were all born of small ideas that I couldn’t help but pursue, hoping they would manifest into something that would make a contribution to our overall professional survival. Seeking new, creative means to keep us financially solvent enough to raise a family of five on a little dance school income led to consistent growth and change, which meant there was always a new challenge and learning curve to deal with. At least we never felt stagnant or trapped in the same dull circle of business activity. I always have and always will love the endless potential for personal and professional growth that comes with owning a business.
      My current dance/yoga studio has provided me with the same sort of endless possibilities for creativity as I enjoyed in the past. I’ve done what I can to keep the positive elements of my former dance program intact, but I’ve added Yoga to the dance mix this time around. Yoga has opened amazing new doors, leading to aerial yoga and teacher’s training. I’m still trying to create a hybrid program of yoga and dance for young people to meet the needs of our changing society, and I dream of creating young artists who are as emotionally balanced as they are well trained. But dance has been hard to get off the ground this time around. I have quite a few young dancers, and  the numbers are growing. Eventually, my young program students will grow to be dynamic dancers, but it will take time.Most people are resistant to change and they challenge any new approach to training because they don’t trust the unfamiliar. 
    This same resistance was the case with my children’s program. When we first introduced the commercially driven creative movement program everyone said, “That’s not real dance. Dance schools have always taught little children’s classes differently and your way isn’t traditional, so it must certainly be wrong.” I was ostracized for the music, the syllabus, and the theatrical effects that were part of the program . But results speak for themselves, and in time, no one was denying the merit of the program. Now, years later, everyone is using the system and the method is considered mainstream. Sometimes I envy the people who ease into business in the wake or those who were the forerunner of new ideas – but I guess, given a choice, I prefer the struggles of being a leader rather than being a carbon copy of someone else’s vision.
   Anyway, diversifying my business is a little like throwing darts and seeing what hits. Adding new programs or services means I’m always investing IN my school rather than taking anything OUT, which I can little afford to do in my position, but pursuing many threads makes every day at work fascinating and filled with possibilities for the future.
  Still, there are only so many hours in a day and only so much energy in a body. So I’ve been carefully trying to expand the reach of my business to include areas that will provide income without it being as draining of time or physical energy as teaching can be . 
     I found a company in Bali to make me yoga swings with the ReFlex label which I sell at my aerial training workshops, in my studio and on e-bay. I’m working on developing an aerial yoga training website with David where people can get on-line aerial yoga certification – this project involves a huge amount of effort upfront, but would be something that would give back later without huge demands of time or physical energy. I figure the more my work life balances out with extra sources of income, the more I can devote myself to the things I love that don’t make money – such as offering scholarship dance programs or working with special needs kids or giving workshops to aspiring writers. And I still crave time to write my own books or garden or to do whatever calls to my heart while providing for my family financially – so I need to balance the needs of my work-life with my private life.
   The other day, while handing David his morning cup of coffee, and I said, “Honey, I know we are stressed for time and energy, but I’m thinking of creating an import business on the side of my current business. I would love to create an entire on-line store with yoga accessories (beyond aerial swings), with mats, jewelry and original t-shirts and other things. I don’t have cash to invest up front, but if I keep rolling everything I make on swings into new products, over time I ‘ll have a full store. It means hard work and sacrifice now, but less work & sacrifice later. How do you feel about that?”
    I expected him to sigh and be annoyed, because the concept will no doubt create work for him since he helps me with website design and bookkeeping and all things technical (which is the bulk of setting up this idea). He has a full time job and yet teaches a few yoga classes for me in the early mornings and he helps with my accounting & studio maintenance too. The man has dreams and special interests of his own, so I’m deeply aware that every time he devotes time to one of my projects, he’s stealing time from his own. I fret over this because my ex used to be totally put out and resentful when I pushed the envelope of our business. The man loved the financial rewards of my ambition, but hated having to contribute to the work required to put ideas and concepts into action , and years of his complaining and acccusing me of creating work for him has me conditioned to feel guilty and apologize whenever I want to do something that requires help in any way. Luckily, David’s reaction to my ideas is totally different.
   He just smiled and said, “I think that would be fantastic. I can set up drop shipping and create a secure website. I’ll look into the cost of warehouses in the area if you want to do any of the shipping from here. I’d love to design some aerial shirts to sell on the site. And maybe after we get an online store going, we can do a trip to Asian to set up some import contracts in person. This will be a
big project and it will take some time, but once it’s set up, we could live anywhere and maintain the site, so if life throws us any curveballs regarding your studio surviving or my job not being secure, or if we ever want to retire to a desert island or something, we’ll always have this side business to contribute to livelihood. I love the way your mind works.”
      I let out a sigh of relief.    Building my business used to be like swimming upstream against a powerful current. With David, hard work is still hard work, but building a business feels more like I’m floating with the current. The ride is choppy, often I feel one step away from drowning, but at least I don’t have to feel badly about wanting to pursue opportunities to build a future, and hopefully retire someday. Huge difference when it comes to my being able to work happily. 
 
     Anyway, now, I am diving in, heart first, into yet another project. Retreats. I have always wanted to travel. I love teaching yoga and meditation. And I absolutely love teaching writing & journaling (been diligently putting my MFA to use by offering free classes and workshops for two years now at the Friendship Center, and small low cost writing courses at ReFlex and St. Pete Yoga to hone my skills as a writing teacher. I’ve developed into quite a good writing mentor, or so I’m told by some very appreciative students.) 
  Anyway, putting together retreats means I can combine everything I love (and everything I’m well trained to do) into one wonderful week of teaching and travel. So, I’ve been doing research, crunching numbers, studying successful retreats on the market, and thinking through the pros and cons of putting together a writing/yoga retreat that will be unique from others due to the various experience and talents David and I can bring to the table. I’ve found some amazing locations (one in Costa Rica, one in Belize, and one in Ireland) and I’m currently working on a business budget, researching marketing avenues and all the other details that must be attended to in order for the dream to manifest into something tangible and realistic.

As I work on business plans, I send them to David for feedback. He takes the ball and runs with it, sending me his research on the foreign exchange rates, cultural issues I might want to consider, seasonal weather, or travel details – He is enthusiastic – willing and ready to be a part of retreats as both a teacher and coordinator. His enthusiasm and positive energy spurs me on. We both love travel, exploring different cultures, writing and yoga. Retreats are a way we can have shared adventures while working in an areas we love, and we get the bonus of interacting with wonderful people too.  And he makes me feel appreciated and admired for my efforts to contribute to our financial situation, and positive reinforcement like that always takes the frustration out of working hard.  

Anyway, as I began working to design a week long retreat in a foreign country, it occurred to me everything I’m planning is theoretical rather than based in experience, and that is risky. It would be smart to do some test runs here at home to play with ideas so I have evidence of what works and what doesn’t.  A few one day retreats at home would allow me to explore what it is like to work with David too. If we want to pull off an event together, we need to know how tasks will be divided and see if we can work in harmony under pressure. It is easy to sit on a couch and talk about grand ideas – another thing altogether to test if each of us can make the sacrifices and share the stress and effort involved. So, with only two weeks’ notice, I told David I was planning a retreat, and I outlined the things I hoped he’d contribute. I created a flyer, found a location, did some marketing, rented a pavilion at Myakka & boats, planned a day of activities, and put the event “out there” to see what would happen.

Twenty people joined us (Well, only 17 because you can’t count David, me and Neva). The people who attended had a great time, got much needed inspiration and rest, and David and I learned everything we needed regarding how we work together. I’m now planning four more day retreats at ReFlex in the coming year, as well as some long weekend retreats at a few Florida destinations, and perhaps even a night retreat to star gaze. Yoga under the moon, a bon fire, good conversations… I imagine an evening retreat when Florida is too hot to do yoga outdoors during the daytime would be great fun.

Sometimes you open a door and step through and it leads you someplace wonderful with a thousand new options to explore. Other times, you find a door leads you to nothing but a closet and you feel trapped, so you get out there pronto. Retreats look to become a door to many more doors.   

I will share a few pictures of our first retreat– because, as they say, a picture says more than a thousand words. The event was hard work, we only broke even, and it took a great deal out of us considering we were beginning from scratch and supplies had to be bought, made or collected– but it was worth the time and effort. We took notes regarding how we’d do things differently and created a “retreat trunk” filled with materials we now have to use for ll future retreats. Our first retreat was a research project, and the first of building blocks to many future events.
      If you have to work like crazy (which circumstances have made necessary for me at this stage of life), nothing compares to working outside in beautiful nature and doing what you love with people you love. I’m grateful for the opportunities I have to live a creative life. And I’m grateful that I’m not alone in the endeavor to rebuild my life. 

So… here is my retreat pix ……We began with outdoor practice to the sounds of birds and early morning breezes.


We set up a table with art supplies and nature & art journaling books (I have dozens). I hoped people would browse a bit, but the actually poured over the materials and tried their hand at leaf rubbings an nature art, then perused my 30 pages of journling prompts (I have been compiling these materials for a while now.)  and they went to small corners of the park to write, contemplate or try the exercises. It was so lovely….
 
 
We set up aerial swings on the grounds and decorated the area with inspirational signs with quotes from Throeau and Emerson. I had readings prepared from moving transcendental literature for guided meditation. David designed a rope system that protects the trees  and makes it simple to hang swings from any height. We can take them anywhere now….
 
 

After David barbecued veggie burgers for our all vegetarian cleansing lunch (I made pasta salad, a salad bar, fruit, nuts, granola bars, sun tea etc… we all explored the park. Some enjoyed photographing the grounds or found nooks for quiet contemplation.  Everyone visited the canopy walkway to enjoy the view 75 feet above the forest.  
 


In the afternoon, we all met at the lake for a canoe lesson from David. He taught paddling as a metaphor for life (you must work with your partner, expecially when the current
makes the trip temporarily tough . There was beauty all around, laughter … and alligators!

    

 

But the most fun, was our Buddha trail. My daughter and a yoga teacher friend went into the woods and hid 13 buddhas in the trees and underbrush of a hiking trail. Our guests walked  the trail for a mindful exercise, seeking buddha in nature. They paused to write or draw what they witnessed. And others hiking Myyaka enjoyed the Buddha trail too and thanked us for the fun. It was memorable…
 
 
 

Peace and wisdom is easy to find if you just train yourself to see clearly and pause to appreciate the small things that make you smile. As I say to my yoga students all the time….. that is a lesson you can take off the mat and into your life! 

This weekend (after a few morning classes at the studio on Saturday) will be the first I’ve had off in months. My weekends have been tied up with  yoga training, begining my own training in a yearlong 500 hour program that I had to juggle along with weekends devoted to the first RYT-200 program I taught at ReFlex (a killer schedule). When that was over, I immediately jumped into teaching my second RYT-200 program. My 2nd batch of beautiful yoga students graduated this week so at long last, I have 8 weekends off before my next summer immersion session (which involves 20 hour 3-day weekends EVERY weekend for ten weeks.) Meanwhile, on the rare weekends I might have had off, I’ve hosted three aerial yoga training weekends. I’m preparing now to add Chair yoga training to my offerings this summer. But Sundays are free now, even though I have to direct my attention to my upcoming recital now. Even so, I will be able to fit in a bit of beach time or kayak time, or writing. Sundays will be for personal pleasure for a while! Yea!
     But I’m not complaining. I absolutely love my work. People who want to get more involved in yoga are amazing, and these weekends, while long, are filled with poignancy, laughter, health, insight and meaningful conversation. Every time I guide a discussion, I learn as much as I teach, and studying yoga philosophy and physiology continuously continues to lead me deeper into self-understanding and wisdom.  Top that off with the fact that I feel a deep sense of contribution in my work and it is no wonder I’m willing to lose my weekends to live my personal dharma. People tell me the program alters their world and causes huge paradigm shifts in their life. I am deeply proud of that. Yoga is life altering –I’m the perfect case in point.

From the moment I decided to take teaching yoga seriously, I knew I’d wind up involved in teacher’s training. I’ve been teaching teachers in the dance field for years, and people have long told me I have a gift for inspiring others and putting information in easy to understand ways. Since putting together educational programs is a part of how my brain is hardwired, I spent the bulk of my time in my own yoga training assessing the program, thinking about worked and didn’t (for me) and what I would do differently. And when I sat down to consider designing a teacher’s training program of my own, I spent hours considering all the weaknesses in my own yoga education and I tried to come up with solutions to help others come out feeling more prepared to tackle the huge subject of yoga.

So I studied. I took classes, read a million books, got my higher certification, asked for guidance from a seasoned professional regarding how to handle the red tape of Yoga Alliance accreditation, struggled over a defined syllabus preparation, and 9 months later , was ready to dive in as director of ReFlex’s first program. It took all I have in me to keep ahead of the students and not fail them in any way, but the work paid off. I am deeply proud of the program at ReFlex, which is swiftly gaining a great reputation. My enrollment is bigger than the RYT program at schools who have been established for many years in this area and I’m just getting started.

My approach to yoga training is very down to earth, takes a broad view of yoga and is in many ways unique, though due to the stringent guidelines of Yoga Alliance, I cover all the traditional material. Wanting to circle the elephant to get a strong understanding,  I begin with a study of what yoga is (myth verses science) and then we study yoga history and the commercialism of yoga and how its popularity impacts the purity of the practice. We also study yoga styles in a comparison analysis so my teachers have a broad understanding of yoga in its many forms. We learn about Kundalini, Bikram, Ashtanga, Iyengar,  Anusara, and we explore hot yoga, yin yoga, restorative yoga and other popular classes.  Then we move  on to anatomy (thank God for David, because he and my dear , amazing friend, Cinde Carroll, cover this subject with slide shows, skeletons and lectures & practice (since I couldn’t possibly do the job decently) in a 20 hour workshop that covers bones, muscles, lymph system, physiology and theory. It is ten times more involved than what I received in my own training, an amazing study of the science of yoga.. Every experienced yoga teacher who works for me agrees, because every one of us feel our education in the area of anatomy was thrown out there too quickly to digest.) After we understand the body we begin breaking down every yoga pose so teachers learn not just how to do a pose correctly, but why, when and who should do it, as we study the cause and effect in the body. My students also study the Chakras, get Reiki trained (level 1) and spend hours studying and discussing the yoga sutras and personal intentions. Then I try to throw in fun extras, such as a 3 hour journaling course, a evening of Kirtan music and chanting, a meditation day, an outdoor retreat day and one weekend devoted to aerial yoga certification. There is no down time or busy work in my program. It’s all information overload and experimental learning! And at the end, the students each teach a (free to the public) class that they have to prepare themselves, and I give them feedback and an assessment.  As I write this I think it’s no wonder I’m tired. I cram more into one training course than most aspiring teachers could get in years of study.
  Anyway, the program continues to get more defined as it evolves to become what I consider a strong foundation for a yoga teacher.
  And now, I’m working on accrediting the school and thinking through a more involved program so I can offer a RYT 500 program for more advanced studies next year. I already have people waiting and eager to take the next level course, but before I will be  ready to do justice to the job– there is more to learn and plan. I am studying prenatal yoga and yoga therapy and ayurveda etc…  Small steps, ya know. And of course, I’m hot on the trail of preparing and offering a children’s yoga training course. It’s a natural fit considering my dance background and Guidance etc……… If only there were more hours in a day….

Anyway, I thought I’d share a few pictures of my yoga training activities…. The bet way to see what the training is like is to view our 7 minute slideshow. (David prepares one of each session to show at the graduation ceremony. It’s a great way to see not only our activities, but the great personalities and focused attention of some dynamic students.) I still love teaching dance and working with children. That always has been and always will be a very important element of my life – and I deeply love and appreciate my dance students, but I have discovered deep, poignant connections to the self-actualized adults who take on yoga teacher training. They are not just students, but friends, and people I expect to remain in touch with for the rest of my days.

Here is a link to one of the slide shows… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3CUGvOd77I&feature=youtu.be

In conclusion: Even hard work can enrich your life if you are willing to make sacrifices to stay in a field that is authentic and uplifting. Anyway, somedays I feel I work way harder than anyone my age should have to and I don’t make much money for the time and effort involved, but I love the path I’m on even so….  But despite this glowing description…. STILL I’m looking forward to a few much needed weekends off…. 

Aerial Training

Chakra Studies (My students always do an alter to set the mood for their presentation, and they put 110% into it -he artistry and diversity is totally fun and noteworthy, but here, I’m just showing an example….)  
    
Reiki and Anatomy

Posture focus & study


Outdoor day – yoga outside, meditation, journaling, & paddling as a metaphor for life!
 
Yep… it is a full course  …. and by the end, we get tired.